So-so so...

So let me begin. So have you noticed the recent requirement by some people to start every sentence with the word "so" followed by a short pause before launching into the sentence proper. So this is done whether it adds to meaning or not. So where did it come form and why? So what should we do about it?

So I first noted it about 18  months ago. At  the time I was involved in quite a few meetings with academics who all seemed to have acquired this irritating linguistic tic. They seemed unable to offer a thought without the Superfluous Initial So (SIS) as we'll call it: it's always good to have a name for your enemy. Perhaps it was the result of a virus which escaped from a test tube in a lab and spread among their close-knit community. Academics are known to live and breed together and to colonise small areas on the edge of normal towns and cities. In such circumstances high and rapid infection rates would not be surprising.

My encounters at the time went something like this:
"Good morning and how are you?" I'd say.
"So... I'm fine, thank you." They'd reply as though this momentary hesitation added some gravitas and significance to their paltry answer.
"And would you like a cup of tea or coffee?" I'd continue, hospitable as ever.
"So...yes I would please, coffee." They'd respond.
"Milk? Sugar?" I'd offer through the forced smile of my gritted teeth.
"So...milk, no sugar" they'd  venture and I would have to reply by hurling the semi-made libation into their so-irritating face before beating them around the head with the cup. It's a good thing the coffee is always served lukewarm in polystyrene containers in academic institutions.

I thought my selfless personal crusade was slowly succeeding as I soon noticed that several academics with stained shirts were no longer using the dreaded Superfluous Initial So, and looked around warily before even uttering the word  in a proper context such as "there are only so many linguistic and social pretensions a man can take before resorting to..." I'm sure you get the picture.

However, my attempts to defend humanity and the English Language did not succeed. The wretched thing had taken hold and spread. Soon the Superfluous Intial So was sissing from my radio on every morning talk show and in every news bulletin. It was worse and more galling even than the insistence of meteorological staff on referring to the topmost part of the Irish land mass as "Northen Island", instead of Ireland (a matter of which the Director General has been duly informed and for which he thanked me for the first three of my seventeen letters).
   
The PR world became the next victim of the infestation. Spokesmen (and spokeswomen, or spokespersons, if you prerer, or just plain spokes is perhaps best and simplest all round) from a variety of organisations selling animal welfare, miracle drugs, dodgy statistics and the outpourings of  a plethora of thinktanks were suddenly soing all over the place.

" So... the  country's going down the tubes."
" So... the economy's never been better"
" So...we're all in this together."
" So...the reason we should all eat more bilgeberries..."

The deluge only subsided when I hurled John Humphreys and co against the kitchen wall  smashing the faithful old family wireless, believed to be an original Georgian model, into several pieces of silver plate, brass and ivory.

Don't get me wrong I'm not a fanatic or a Philistine. I've nothing against words in their rightful place. I would happily sew together the lips of  any SISser, I would sow poisonous berries with which to feed them, I would describe their attempts at public communications as only so-so but I would not ever...ever, introduce an unnecessary opening monosyllable purely for the grandiose effect...that would be bad manners and a betrayal of all that is good, noble and oaken-hearted in the English language.

I felt sure the accursed SIS must be of some devilish foreign derivation. My spies soon brought me word of a possible link to the German "Also", pronounced Al-Zo and usually translated as "thus" and thus also likely to be used quite properly at the beginning of  a sentence ,especially when constructing an argument...exactly as an academic might! Could it be that the plague began overseas, picked  up by innocent visitor to the International Symposium On Something Or Other (ISOSOO)?   Or worse , was it the latest dastardly invasion plan of the dreaded Teuton? An insidious scheme to slowly and surely infiltrate the English language slipping in first, the odd, apparently innocent, monosyllable and then moving on until finally our mouths and minds would be stuffed with phlegm-inducing polysyllabics stretching out further and further in highly-regulated ranks which would make it impossible for an Englishman (or woman, or spokes)  to speak their mind simply and clearly ever again! 

So what can we do to rid the language of this irritating and pompous affectation which serves no useful purpose (except maybe to expose its proponents to the ridicule and contempt they deserve from  those wise and sensitive souls who know better)?

As ye so so shall ye reap, I thought and I promptly began exporting English words surreptitiously into German usage. Weekend, Shopping, Sandwich; all were launched under cover of the night and quickly found their mark. Caravan and Shepherd's Pie have admittedly, met with less success but the struggle continues apace, I now have a band of faithful  followers who are going even further and seeking to spread English words and even foodstuffs into Germany. I tell you now, our dictionary shall not rest in our hand till we have Bill and Gerald's Ham in Merkel's Green Unpleasant Land.
So... there!